Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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