hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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