I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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