All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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