i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
