i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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