I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
