Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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