Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
