my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
