Where is the hickey?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
