hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
