Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
