apparently the secret to your success is patron
He kissed a someone with a penis
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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