you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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