I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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