I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
