apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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