i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
