you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We are two peas in an std pod
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
