he puts the penis in happiness.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
