I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
