You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
