It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
