at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
