sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
