I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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