I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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