I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
