life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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