i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Randomize
