I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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