Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
