I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
