meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I think I am morally bankrupt
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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