I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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