I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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