Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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