I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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