woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
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some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
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I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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