dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
