All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
