I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
