I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
