Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You need Xanax blowdarts
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
