It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
