May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
