Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
