Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.