I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
