Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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