I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
