the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
