I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He has the fingertips of a God
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