i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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