Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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