You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
