how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
