When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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