She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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