I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
