6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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