so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
